Repeating Numbers

I’ve been noticing a lot of repeating numbers as of recent. I would consider myself spiritual mainly in the hopes that there is more beyond than what i see.

i think my identity has been lost and i have been looking for it ever since i was born.

a jack of all trades yet a master of none. somebody who can belong anywhere belongs to no-one.

i cant tell what i am, i can tell where i have been born and where i have traveled, maybe where i will go, but where i belong is something different. i have no blood of my blood. no kin, nobody i can look to and say “that is me and i am you” and yet because i am one of a kind i know there is somebody who is one of the same. i am unsure how i feel about a lot. i feel numb and i feel terrible and i feel a terrible reckoning.

we often lose the meanings of words over time. the word “awesome” should mean just that, yet it is for a nice piece of food. truly awesome, awe inspiring, should mean just that.

so when i say terrible, maybe i mean extreme, maybe i mean the death of the ego, or the death of the soul. i do not die, nor will i ever.

my brother has kin, my father has kin, my mother has kin, yet i do not. i cannot look at somebody and say “we are the same”

and that hurts. a pain i do not wish on anybody. something beyond hurt and pain. something beyond grief and agony. it is the truth of being alone. yet i am surrounded. i am smothered by love. yet i have no link.

maybe i am doing this all wrong or maybe i did it all wrong. maybe there is no right way. maybe this is all electrons waiting to be observed. maybe i am something i do not know yet. i worry it is a failure, yet i refuse to fail.

a rich man will die in the arms of those who loved him, a poor man will die in the arms of those who do not know him, i worry that i can fufill both those currently.